ANGER & SELF-VALUE

An important question appeared on an evaluation form that was returned from the ANGER & RAGE Workshop on July 9, 2022, and I would like to give a fuller explanation here.

“I would like more explanation of value violation and how to attend to needs.”

To understand self-value more fully, we need to remember that at our most basic core, on the soul level, we are love. We were created by love, and love is who we are. Love is not something we get or lose—it is who we are. When we are aligned with our true self, with love, we are accepting, compassionate, empathetic, and love others unconditionally. As clinicians, we are trained to offer unconditional positive regard to our clients—essentially, acceptance and love.

However, when we move from that center of love (the truth of who we are) from that present state of what is, possibly due to events out of our control, we may move into a place based in fear or into a state of what isn’t (not the truth). Our reactions and responses may feel out of control, and we may feel as though we’ve had no choice in the matter. Every negative feeling or negative belief about ourselves or others is based in fear. When you boil down disappointments, complaints, bad behavior, and abusive thoughts, the result is a jumbled mess of fear—especially fear of loss and fear of not being loved (two biggies).

When we step back and recognize those fears and then step forward into courage to face them straight on, we create space around them. Our initial reaction to a stimulus or trigger may initially have been a startle response or fright, which may have then turned into hurt, anger, annoyance, or resentment. However, facing our fears and acknowledging our feelings and negative beliefs around the event, often reduces the anger to manageable levels right away. From there, we can encourage ourselves to move back into the state of love and wisdom by making mindful and thoughtful decisions about the event or person who triggered the reaction in the first place. If we respect our needs for space and time to process everything, we then grant ourselves more space and time to choose our wisest responses.

The strength of our self-value is built from honoring the healthy boundaries we set for ourselves. For example: I rise at 6:00 am each morning and retire at 9:00 pm each evening. I give myself permission to get plenty of rest, and the steady routine helps regulate everything else in my life. Another one may be I value my time and sacred space to do the things that support and nourish me; this is an important part of my self-care.

When we step away or feel pulled away from those boundaries, we may violate our self-value and self-respect. Consider the following example:

I am asked to do something that I really don’t want to do. But I feel compelled to please others, and I would feel badly or guilty if I refused (negative feelings impacting value). It may also be that I want to please this person so much that I’m willing to break my boundaries for them. Against my better judgment (self-value, self-worth), I agree to do this thing. I promise myself it will be the last time. The consequences from violating that boundary may be anger and resentment toward the person who asked. I may feel manipulated into doing this thing or blame them for putting me in this tough position in the first place. I may also feel angry or disappointed in myself for allowing this to happen.

Breaking this down using the steps from the Anger Formula presented at the workshop, the above example may be considered the trigger (step 1)—being asked to do something that violates self-value.

Step 2: The feelings may be disappointment, feeling used or manipulated, anger, resentment, or fearfulness. Body awareness: I may sense those feelings in my stomach and my heart.

Step 3: The negative beliefs might be I have to please everyone, I cannot stand up for myself, or I have no control. Remember that these negative beliefs (fears) are not the truth. You are made of love, pure love, not fear.

Add-on step: Ask what do I really fear?

I fear to lose the relationship (fear of loss), or I fear disapproval or rejection. (I’m not loved.)

Step 4: What is the evidence that these are not true? I know that I can’t please everyone, and I am still OK. I stood up for myself at work last week. I’ve made lots of good choices.

Step 5: The empowerment phase brings you back into alignment with your true self.

I realize that I’ve been afraid to lose that friendship; it’s only fear and not the truth. I trust and value myself in this situation. It is OK to say no. I respect my value and choose the best for myself.

Violating our core values, boundaries, or how we perceive love in ourselves has consequences, and those typically are forms of anger that sometimes escalate into rage. It may appear that we are angry at the thing, the event, or the person, but upon closer inspection, the disappointment or shame we may feel occurs because we’ve allowed ourselves to be pulled from our core—our state of love and acceptance (of others and of ourselves).

To attend to our needs then, we acknowledge the anger and then make a decision of how to use or transform that energy into its highest use. We may forgive ourselves for being vulnerable, for not knowing, or for being naïve or gullible. We may forgive ourselves for forgetting that we are just as important as everyone else; no one’s needs are more or less important than ours. There’s no need to punish ourselves, just acknowledge that we have stepped briefly out of what is into what isn’t. When we realize where the anger has come from, it’s much easier to return to our center and to our core of love; the anger, disappointment, and resentment may then dissolve.

A sidenote about codependency may be gained from this discussion, which is that a codependent person may offer to violate his/her/their boundaries and self-value to gain attention, appreciation, or love (they may not be conscious of this). The antidote and practice may be to stop offering time, money, and/or effort. Check with your intuition to see if you really want to do this thing. If not, don’t offer!

“You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.”

Zero Dean, Lessons Learned from the Path Less Traveled