CAN WE TALK SOUL TO SOUL?

The counseling setting is a unique and sacred place to discuss things on a deeper level. Whether you are a client or a therapist, the conversations often go to a place that might be considered inappropriate in most social settings. Granted, there are social media sites that are used by those who want to investigate areas of concern and do so. However, the conversations that occur in families are generally limited to surface talk. Work, school, vacations, purchases large and small, how are you doing, I’m fine. There are always exceptions, but in the work that I and many others do, the common issue that most clients reveal to be the most disturbing is family dysfunction. No one talks and no one listens, really listens.

My father was a man of few words. He often stated that he didn’t like chit chat and never explained why. Yet, he rarely shared his deeper feelings about anything either. But on the rare occasion he chose to let it out, the feelings were usually in the form of anger and expressed in varying degrees of explosiveness. In one instance, back when I worked for him, I was having lunch with another employee when she mentioned that she was planning to purchase a gun for protection. Across the room, my father exploded. He yelled that that was a stupid idea and that most people who buy guns end up getting shot with their own gun. She looked shaken, but for me, it was the day I learned that my father was against buying guns for protection. Obviously, that was a tough way to get to know someone, but with my dad, that was pretty much it.

That was until much, much later. My mother, who’d been diagnosed with cancer and was falling more often than not, forced the family to decide what would be best for her. My father had had a lifetime of making difficult decisions, and he seemed a natural, although none of us kids had ever been included. But now, and in his awkwardness, he invited me to participate in this decision-making session with him. This decision to help Mom was probably one of the toughest, and I felt honored that he finally considered me adult enough to help him decide.

How many families struggle with needs to have deeper conversations but seem to sweep the difficult stuff under the rug? How often have I heard clients complain that no one in their family talked about anything that mattered, especially about getting help to work through things? What scares people away from revealing their souls? Among the answers to these types of questions may be fear—fear of facing themselves, fear of having to take responsibility, and fear of judgment. The risk to be vulnerable may be too great.

Thankfully, when I began in counseling practice, I found myself in a quiet, contemplative space where the conversations could venture to the soul level. At the client’s pace and comfort level, of course, we could explore the difficulties, the painful feelings, and work together to travel the road toward healing. I discovered that, like my father, surface chit chat held little meaning for me. I preferred the soul to soul interactions.

A long-held wish has been to encourage everyone to speak from their soul, not just in the therapeutic setting. I realize that to reveal oneself in this way requires trust and perhaps a little bit of an adventurous attitude. To become vulnerable for many, may mean to put a target on their back. Why on Earth would anyone expose themselves to judgment, abuse, or bullying?

I truly believe that one of the main reasons that we are here on the planet is to learn how to talk to each other soul to soul. We enjoy watching the actors of the world play out these bearing-the-soul types of interactions in movies and TV, and we give awards to the ones who can express that deepest level of vulnerability, that level of emotion and self-discovery. Why can’t we do that with each other? What are the costs? What are the worries?

Another part of the human purpose here is to realize that there are no mistakes, no accidents, and no random events. Everything is purposeful and holds meaning. It’s up to us to pay attention and to discover who we are from all types of experiences, not just the tough ones. However, a good example of soul searching coming to the fore occurred after the terrorist attack on the Twin Towers that ultimately killed close to 3000 people. In the months that followed, as many searched for meaning and to understand these acts, an interesting thing occurred. Many people began to rearrange their personal priority lists. Faced with mortality, faced with loss of control, and faced with sudden horrific death, the priorities of family and of connecting with each other at deeper levels were moved up to the top of those lists.

I’ve often heard it said that when faced with adversity, in whatever form, that human beings step up and often become heroes. There are millions of examples that attest to our character and valor. My question is: Why do we have to wait for adverse circumstance to occur before we can get real? I have a close friend who readily engages in talking soul to soul with me. We have the best discussions and both of us feel safe to be vulnerable with each other, to not know all the answers. It’s a satisfying feeling to get real.

Because isn’t that what it means to talk soul to soul? We have to get real. Get vulnerable. Face ourselves. It doesn’t have to be unpleasant. Although the decision to put my mother into assisted living was a tough one, other positive things were also happening at a soul level. I felt my father’s trust to work through this with him. He may have discovered that his youngest child had more value than he had given credit for. I may have discovered a strength in doing collaborative work and a deep patience to sort through difficult circumstances. My father may have discovered that he wasn’t alone, that he didn’t have to decide this on his own. The list goes on and on. Soul talk takes you to that sacred space of meaning and compassion. It’s an adventure and worthy path to self-awareness and to remember our purposes for being here.